Dappled

I haven't written in quite a while. And lately I've been doing quite a lot of feeling, very much a meander. I realized this weekend that these feelings have mostly to do with my father's death last fall. During the last full conversation I had with him before he was taken to the Togus hospice, I basically helped him know, that if he felt it was time,  he could let go. I told him I was okay and that I would figure out how to handle some things he was concerned about. It was the truth and, as he tearfully thanked me, I felt his relief... and his love. So it makes sense to me that I've looped back to some feelings I thought I had moved beyond. And, though I am extremely at peace with my husband Barry's death, I deeply miss him right now as I process Dad's death. I miss my soulmate and I miss my dad. Though I am sad and a bit confused, I really am okay.  But I sure could use a hug.

Here's a poem that formed today.

Dappled

My world is dappled right now.

There’s the brightness that comes from

allowing my inner light to shine,

but darkness interweaves with that light.

Like sun shining in through a window that brings

with it the shadows of the leaves as they dance

in the morning breeze or

the grays of a cloud

as it drifts in a sky of blue.

I try to trust that it’s safe to simply be my self as I am,

but I feel like I’m missing something and I

don’t always understand my relationships.

There have been many times when I’ve felt full and free

and right and strong in the company of others,

but often something has come along to trip me up

and make me wonder anew if I’m better off alone,

if I should hide in the shadows to protect myself.

I feel deep gratitude for so much that’s good

in my life and I’m no longer afraid to feel joy.

In fact I know I, like anyone else,

deserve to.

I think it’s residual despair and loneliness that form

the part of the darkness that lingers.

I’m working on turning to faith -

in my self, in my connections, and

in the benevolence of the Universe

so that I can work with the shadows,

 learn more from the shades of gray.

Sarah Carlson

August 19, 2012

Emergence

(photo by Mardy Bogar)

Emergence

Emerging from behind gentle hills

studded with stately evergreens,

bright with reflected light from

our closest star,

the familiar orb slides upward

through the dusky sky.

Low, opaque clouds threaten to 

obscure the view.

Yet, in truth, they

enhance the majestic scene

as it is appreciated by

human beings waiting 

and watching below.

Like a silvery sand dollar

just below the surface of the salty ocean,

the moon embarks on its journey

above our world 

once again. 

Sarah Carlson

March 2012

Solitary

The sweet softness of the world around me during and after the recent snows provided a pathway for this piece. A familiar theme, but through a somewhat different lens.

Solitary

Singular snowflakes waft down from above,

destined for a temporary perch on

bristly branches, silent structures,

weaving waterways, luscious landscapes,

furred or feathered friends.

Perfectly complete on their own as they descend,

the angles and edges of their forms

create an intricate, crystalline whole.

On their solitary journey there is

no need to struggle or resist.

They simply go where air currents take them,

trusting

as they become

part of another whole for a time,

then melt away

to eventually flow anew.

Sarah Carlson

March 1, 2012

Slow Dance for My Dad

It's been quite some time since I've posted. But today I hung a copy of this picture and this poem in the brand new Emery Community Arts Center on the University of Maine at Farmington campus. It's the first time I have done such a thing and I'm truly grateful to be part of a show that Penny Hood, local artist, has put together that features an array of artistic interpretations of her theme... we... are connected. It is sweetly satisfying to have a small part in, to feel a belonging to, this endeavor. Here's a link to more info about it -
http://inside.umf.maine.edu/2012/01/25/emery-community-arts-center-presents-interactive-exhibit-%E2%80%9Cwe-are-connected%E2%80%9D-feb-6%E2%80%93march-10/

The poem is one I've posted before, but made changes to after I decided to share it at my father's memorial service. And so it seems fitting to post this today along with the words I wrote to accompany my piece.

Slow Dance

Careful circles above the fray provide perspective and distance,

room for reflection, a bird’s eye view with time

to twist the lens for further acuity.

Each turn of this slow dance makes way for more to unwind,

leading to relief and new insights.

Round and round -

circles cross and connect to become interwoven,

creating a sweet, soft tapestry that envelops a being

so that it is finally safe to let go of all that no longer serves.

Settling into a new way to be, freeing a true self,

feeling worthy of fully experiencing

the wonders of the universe.

Deep realization that by trusting the connectedness,

feeling the love, believing in the light

it is safe and right to spread strong, steady wings,

join the winds of change

and soar.

Sarah Carlson

And the words to my 'bio' that are hanging next to the photo and poem:

Connecting to the natural world has always been a part of my life. Sensations, feelings, deep understandings that come to me as I hike, pedal, ski, paddle in our beautiful part of the world began to surface in a poetic voice as I adjusted to life after the sudden loss of my husband, Barry. Eventually that voice and photography merged as I found new ways to express my process. This piece emerged after a lovely experience with a bald eagle. I read it to my father, long my biggest fan, as he lay non-responsive, yet peaceful, in the Togus Hospice this past fall. In doing so, I felt a connection to him that went beyond words and images.