I haven't written in quite a while. And lately I've been doing quite a lot of feeling, very much a meander. I realized this weekend that these feelings have mostly to do with my father's death last fall. During the last full conversation I had with him before he was taken to the Togus hospice, I basically helped him know, that if he felt it was time, he could let go. I told him I was okay and that I would figure out how to handle some things he was concerned about. It was the truth and, as he tearfully thanked me, I felt his relief... and his love. So it makes sense to me that I've looped back to some feelings I thought I had moved beyond. And, though I am extremely at peace with my husband Barry's death, I deeply miss him right now as I process Dad's death. I miss my soulmate and I miss my dad. Though I am sad and a bit confused, I really am okay. But I sure could use a hug.
Here's a poem that formed today.
Dappled
My world is dappled right now.
There’s the brightness that comes from
allowing my inner light to shine,
but darkness interweaves with that light.
Like sun shining in through a window that brings
with it the shadows of the leaves as they dance
in the morning breeze or
the grays of a cloud
as it drifts in a sky of blue.
I try to trust that it’s safe to simply be my self
as I am,
but I feel like I’m missing something and I
don’t always understand my relationships.
There have been many times when I’ve felt full and
free
and right and strong in the company of others,
but often something has come along to trip me up
and make me wonder anew if I’m better off alone,
if I should hide in the shadows to protect myself.
I feel deep gratitude for so much that’s good
in my life and I’m no longer afraid to feel joy.
In fact I know I, like anyone else,
deserve to.
I think it’s residual despair and loneliness that
form
the part of the darkness that lingers.
I’m working on turning to faith -
in my self, in my connections, and
in the benevolence of the Universe
so that I can work with the shadows,
learn
more from the shades of gray.
Sarah Carlson
August 19, 2012
