Beautiful... Being

There is so much that I could write to explain how this poem emerged. It has taken quite a while to come, but it wasn't at all stressful to wait. In fact, it's been really sweet. Many 'ah-hahs' have happened over the past few months - things I had thought I already understood, but that have now truly become embedded in my fabric. Many, many meanderings and I'm very grateful for all that has come from this extremely labor-intensive personal work. I'm so glad that I chose to head into the darkness, the hurt, so that I could release and learn and grow. That's not to say it hasn't been difficult at times. It has really been quite a ride. It is, however, very tiring to hurt and it occurred to me recently that at some point one must choose to walk away from the pain if possible. Walk away and take all the learnings and understandings into the newness. And I think now is the time for me. Of course I know that life cannot be without difficulty, but I finally realize that it is deeply right to feel good whenever one is able, that I don't deserve to be in pain all the time. This is the piece that explains all this as best I can at this juncture...:)
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Beautiful… Being

 Bones for structure, muscles for power,

skin to hold us in.

Lungs for breathing,

eyes for seeing,

 hearts for beating and feeling.

Minds for contemplating, processing,

wondering, remembering, believing.

Past experiences - both good and bad,

happy and sad,

interweave to provide a

 flexible  structure with which we

have the ability to use our free will to

interpret and inhabit this world.

Each of us a body and soul

that form an inherently beautiful being.

Gratitude for all that we are,

all that we have.

Hopes for inner peace and understanding

of personal power  while

maintaining and cultivating

 a connection to Nature, Nurture

and Love.

Sun and moon and earth,

together in the cosmos,

provide a place where it is

inherently beautiful… being.

Sarah Carlson

January 1, 2013

Dappled

I haven't written in quite a while. And lately I've been doing quite a lot of feeling, very much a meander. I realized this weekend that these feelings have mostly to do with my father's death last fall. During the last full conversation I had with him before he was taken to the Togus hospice, I basically helped him know, that if he felt it was time,  he could let go. I told him I was okay and that I would figure out how to handle some things he was concerned about. It was the truth and, as he tearfully thanked me, I felt his relief... and his love. So it makes sense to me that I've looped back to some feelings I thought I had moved beyond. And, though I am extremely at peace with my husband Barry's death, I deeply miss him right now as I process Dad's death. I miss my soulmate and I miss my dad. Though I am sad and a bit confused, I really am okay.  But I sure could use a hug.

Here's a poem that formed today.

Dappled

My world is dappled right now.

There’s the brightness that comes from

allowing my inner light to shine,

but darkness interweaves with that light.

Like sun shining in through a window that brings

with it the shadows of the leaves as they dance

in the morning breeze or

the grays of a cloud

as it drifts in a sky of blue.

I try to trust that it’s safe to simply be my self as I am,

but I feel like I’m missing something and I

don’t always understand my relationships.

There have been many times when I’ve felt full and free

and right and strong in the company of others,

but often something has come along to trip me up

and make me wonder anew if I’m better off alone,

if I should hide in the shadows to protect myself.

I feel deep gratitude for so much that’s good

in my life and I’m no longer afraid to feel joy.

In fact I know I, like anyone else,

deserve to.

I think it’s residual despair and loneliness that form

the part of the darkness that lingers.

I’m working on turning to faith -

in my self, in my connections, and

in the benevolence of the Universe

so that I can work with the shadows,

 learn more from the shades of gray.

Sarah Carlson

August 19, 2012