This Day

 

Recently I took a walk on the Mingo Springs Trail and Birdwalk, designed by John Bicknell. John and my husband Barry knew each other in bygone days. Gentle men, both.

The trail is in Rangeley, Maine where I met Barry in 1975. We were married 42 years ago today. I deeply miss him though it has been 19 yeas since he died. I learned so very much in the years we shared together and from the years I have spent adjusting to life without him. I am grateful and hopeful and will remain so. Days like today, though, do contain sadness. And, that's okay.

This Day 

Wind whispers in diverse branches,
 shadows flicker with passing clouds,
lush undergrowth thrives.
She walks pensively
along the clear path ahead
allowing sensations to arise,
 come and go as they may.
Ancillary sorrows,
remembered joys,
everything betwixt and between.
She pauses,
 scans the woodsy scene,
sighs and smiles,
enables soft memories
of falling in love with
a kindhearted,
blue-eyed,
gentle man
billow and swirl.
That love,
that passion,
that partnership
remain true
as she forges on.
Warm sunlight,
playful shadows,
dancing trees,
courageous human.
This day,
like so many others,
she chooses to move forward
with the pulsating power
of Love
solidly on board.

Sarah Carlson
June 30, 2021

Unburdened

 These rocks spoke to me when I did a birthday walk at Wolfe Neck Woods State Park recently. I wasn't sure why until today - three weeks later.

Unburdened

Layers and layers

form, fuse, tip,

merge, morph, split.

A heavy load this can be

if one was trained 

to carry.

Bit by bit comes the dismantling.

Some slabs, though weathered,

have a stealthy strength,

even in the smaller chunks.

The jaggedness of feeling judged

can be present

when one allows vulnerabilities

to be exposed,

when one learned 

to keep certain emotions

hidden away.

Little by little the load can lighten,

if one is supported 

in laying it down

or casting it away.

A confusing crevice

forms when friends 

seem to fall by the wayside,

especially in a pandemic

as solitude takes on new meaning. 

Step by step, however, 

those who choose 

to allow grief

have the opportunity 

to rediscover being held,

even as complex tears flow.

For me,

I must remember

the hope that has run true

throughout.

I must trust that the

 flowing of tears

will help clear the way to 

whatever comes next.

Unburdened,

I will continue on

to discover ever more

in me.

Sarah Carlson

June 16, 2021

Ever More

 

The past two days have been the last ones with students. I am, at this point, retired. So many meanings to that word, but I'm choosing to look at it as a time to allow myself to simply say, "Now what." I don't see it as an ending, but more a beginning. This piece is a part of how I am processing that and so much more that is going on within.

Ever More

Though facets are changing,
 the way ahead somewhat hazy,
she is peaceful,
feeling both whole
and holy.
That last part is novel,
though it has been present
in her tenor all along.
She just couldn’t quite
acknowledge it fully
for her faith had been
smothered, too,
by others who once
loomed large.
She breathes,
courageously puts words
to her sense of holiness.
Surreptitious shadows
swirl and slide about.
but they do not
can not,
find substance.
 It matters less and less
as to why or where
or how they came
as outward they go,
leaving the way
ever more open.
Relief unfurls
as she breathes
ever more freely.
She smiles a
whole body smile
ever more broadly.
Self compassion renews
as healing finds its way
ever more wholly.
She writes and
again feels held,
trusting that there
is ever more
to refresh,
    record,
         restore.

Sarah Carlson
June 11, 2021

The Fullness of Grief

 

Rarely do I post a photo of me with my poetry. But, this was such a settled moment for me. And, it was my birthday. 

I love to take a slow walk after an Osteopathic treatment and have found such solace along the shores of Casco Bay at Wolfe Neck Woods State Park lately. As I walk along the trail, gaze to the water and sky, listen to ocean rhythms, I can feel things shift and settle. Often a poem starts to form and this is one of those that began stirring a week or so ago, but surfaced all the way today.

For many reasons that are important for me, my own knowing, this year is actually the first time I can fully feel the losses of my life - especially that of my husband. That may seem odd to an outsider since it has been 19 years since he died. But, I am so grateful to be feeling all these feels, that I found my way to where I am right now. To this insider it just feels right.

This piece is again the teacher in me talking. I hope that others may find their way, whenever the time is right, to feeling the fullness that I am experiencing right now.

The Fullness of Grief

As thoughts drift
back to what was
 there can be loneliness,
                            heartache,
                                    longing.
So many of us were taught
to control our tears,
hide our despair,
that there is some sort of order
to grief.
All of that is fallacy.
Body may tighten,
breath restrict
spirit become uneasy.
Yet, when the tension
of unexpressed sorrow unwinds,
when it is allowed to surface
and tears flow free,
one can experience
the fullness of grief.
This is uniquely individual,
can not be prescribed,
should not be judged.
Honor love shared,
comfort an aching soul,
reclaim and rejuvenate
one’s sweet self.
Such is the
power and potential
of enabling
the fullness of grief.

Sarah Carlson
June 6, 2021