How is it that sometimes I miss you
more than ever before?
A deep missing that involves my
newly breached underpinnings.
Is it because you knew,
you saw those places?
Or maybe it’s because I’m older now,
not sure just where
I’m going next.
I don’t know if staying in this house
you so loved is good for me.
It’s showing its age and needs some repair.
Maybe that’s part of the missing, too.
I’m not sure what to do,
how to make the foundation strong again
and deal with the other issues it presents.
I can’t seem to keep it warm enough
this winter, either.
Perhaps being cold makes me
feel more alone.
I even wonder if it’s because the
world now is just so different,
more troubling.
At times things are so clear and
I feel like I just know.
You died,
I’m still here.
I have intrepidly explored, adjusted,
grown stronger and wiser even.
Then there are those ambiguous times
where I feel murky and unsure.
The juxtaposition of the two
makes me feel tired all the way
down to the depths of my soul.
I don’t experience it as good or bad,
just challenging and true,
part of the whole picture –
both close to home
and in the wider world.
I miss the sense of being in tandem
as we dealt with what came our way.
Soulmates we were, are.
So, that must be it.
I can finally be at peace
with missing you with my entire being.
I imagine in doing that
I can more heartily live
my best life without you.
Sarah Carlson
February 19, 2019
I read your insightful musings to Dan....it seems to create a deeper sense of meaning & reality in my being compared to just reading them to myself....this one is NO exception, so gentle, such peaceful ponderings fill my eyes with tearful blurring as I try to read and choke out the last remaining lines...Gosh you have a beautiful gift Sarah.
ReplyDeleteOh, Betsy. Thank you so much for sharing this. It means a lot to hear such stories of connection.
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