I don't want to live here anymore

 I don’t want to live here anymore.

I had to write those words
 and sit with them for a bit.
This house holds so much
after 38 years of living, loving,
learning, grieving.
Having come on slowly over time,
 there’s more of a rush to it now.
As it becomes more and more clear,
tears burst forth at random.
Rainbow tears, these.
They scour and cleanse,
bring forth memories
of  many joys,
 some deep sorrows, too.
I’m a bit afraid
of whether or not I can
find a new place
where I feel like I belong.
But, I somehow
survived the sudden shock
of becoming a widow
and all that entails.
So, here I am
writing these words,
letting tears flow,
hoping I can access the courage
to take the plunge.
I need newness
and some community -
space to build on a foundation
of health and wholeness
that I’ve worked so very hard
to unearth.
I will take the bubble of love
that I felt with Barry,
carry it with me
as I flow into the unknown.
I just don’t want to live here anymore.

Sarah Carlson
July 30, 2023

Just Run With It

Photo by Emma Carlson

 Just Run With It

So much growth and change
all the year through,
with shared adventures
on board.
Once again we stand
hand in hand
as briny surf and soft sand
churn and whirl about our feet.
Last year’s fear
is but a memory
and he lets go,
frolics gleefully
with strength and sureness,
quite literally
goes with the flow.
Just two and a half
and he listens,
        learns,
            trusts,
        reminds
that there are times
when one can
drop in,
feel the freedom
to just run with it,
welcome each moment
with wild and gentle abandon.

Sarah Carlson
July 27, 2023

Alone on a Beach

 Alone on a Beach

The tide shifts,
 waters reach ever higher,
sand swirls and settles anew.
My cadence slows
in the softness of the fog
and soothing ocean rhythms.
I pause to look both ways.
Not another human being in sight,
though I know others are walking, too.
For just a few minutes
I am
totally alone
 on this lovely beach.
I turn to the ocean,
watch waves crest and roll,
feel a sense of rebalancing.
How amazing it is that
        the wide horizon
                            and warm sunshine
                                    are out there,
            though not always in view.
Even in times when we feel
                    cut off
                or closed in
            or alone
                there is always
light
        and hope
                    and potential,
        if only we continue
to remember
the gentle goodness
of trusting in Love.

       Sarah Carlson
July 11, 2023