I don't want to live here anymore

 I don’t want to live here anymore.

I had to write those words
 and sit with them for a bit.
This house holds so much
after 38 years of living, loving,
learning, grieving.
Having come on slowly over time,
 there’s more of a rush to it now.
As it becomes more and more clear,
tears burst forth at random.
Rainbow tears, these.
They scour and cleanse,
bring forth memories
of  many joys,
 some deep sorrows, too.
I’m a bit afraid
of whether or not I can
find a new place
where I feel like I belong.
But, I somehow
survived the sudden shock
of becoming a widow
and all that entails.
So, here I am
writing these words,
letting tears flow,
hoping I can access the courage
to take the plunge.
I need newness
and some community -
space to build on a foundation
of health and wholeness
that I’ve worked so very hard
to unearth.
I will take the bubble of love
that I felt with Barry,
carry it with me
as I flow into the unknown.
I just don’t want to live here anymore.

Sarah Carlson
July 30, 2023