Heartstrings

Morning Web - July 19, 2017

Heartstrings
 

What a relief to put words to my truth,
allow genuine sorrow to uncurl and release,
uncover the deepest underpinnings of me.
I’ve long known much of which
tugs at my heartstrings,
but some threads I was unable to honor
and they were wrapped up,
stored  away.
The need to do that was real for me,
but now I know it was faulty,
 no fault of my own.
Over time they twisted and tangled,
became a repository
for stale, unattended pain.
Parts of the jumble have unraveled,
some with purposeful work
and others on their own.
There may be more.
I don’t really know and, actually,
don’t really care.
I’m rebuilding that which was broken,
re-tethering those heartstrings
to the security of steadfast love.
There’s a vulnerability to this
as neglected emotions come to light
and pristine spaces are open,
waiting to be filled.
But I have a real sense of hope as
strands become strengthened and
more and more I trust
in forgiveness, communion
and the constancy of 
unwavering love.

Sarah Carlson
July 18, 2017

True Sorrow

Summer Skyscape  - July 16, 2017

True Sorrow

I’ve had some traumatic events and
 profound losses in my life.
I know I’m not alone in that,
but my experiences are what I’ve lived.
They are mine, true to me.
I am more clearly understanding, though,
that suffering from those difficult times
primarily comes from a
sense of separation and wrongness
that does not have to be part of my truth.
There is a heavy pain to unexpressed emotions
attached to the impact of trauma and loss.
I’ve recognized that for a while now.
I just had no idea how much
I was harboring that really
is not of me, is not mine.
For varied reasons
I learned that my hurts didn’t matter
and my pains were to be hidden,
made invisible.
That caused early sorrows to be lodged deeply within.
During my years with Barry they were coupled
with the miracle of love shared -
a tender balm to all our discomforts.
And then one beautiful spring day he died.
Sorrow upon sorrow upon sorrow.
I continued on -
living, learning, teaching, giving, loving.
When the inner aches of that loss could not be denied
 I did the best I could to attend to them
with what I knew along the way.
Now, all these years later,
I more fully recognize the veracity of my sorrows.
In allowing, honoring my so-called ‘dark’ emotions
 I have been emptying out those places within
that were stagnated with imposed falseness.
The little one was tentative as I started
 to travel into the murkiness,
but intrepidly she lets me know what she needs and,
like the billowing water vapors
of a fair-weather summer cloud,
true sorrow roils out of me,
clearing the way for
deeper and deeper healing
as my bright true-ness expands ever more freely
out into the light of day.

Sarah Carlson
July 17, 2017

Rest in That Love

African Violet and heart rocks

I don't usually 'stage' my pictures. But this is an African Violet that Barry gave to me on February 14,  2002. It has survived my not-so-green thumb, a house renovation and tipping over a few times in my car. The heart rocks are just a few from my collection. The left one is from the coast of Maine, the middle one is from the Sandy River (found in the water, partially covered with sand) and the one on the right is my most recent from Burnt Island. This montage just seemed appropriate to the following poem:

Rest in That Love

I felt it today,
but in a different, more profound way.
That complete circuit
of beautiful, intricate bonds between
mother and child,
soulmate and soulmate,
Untainted by the aches and pains
of heartache and loss,
before grief and sorrow
found a handhold and
clouded the purity
of the connection.
I’m so happy, so relieved
to recognize even more deeply
that it’s still there.
A force so strong that it surfaces
amid the confusion and angst
that can accompany
the sorting and shifting
of the process of healing.
The fact of the matter is -
I love them with all my heart and soul.
Though I do not profess to
have been a perfect wife or mother,
I know that I surrounded them with,
immersed them in,
 love.
And they me.
Gentle, caring man who
saw the me that I am all along.
Blue-eyed, thoughtful boy
free with his questions and hugs.
Tender-hearted, adorable girl
who smiles and cries
with her whole being.
It’s vital now for me to allow myself
to rest in that love,
trust that we will continue to find our way.
No judgment, no stress.
Simply allowing this widow, this mom
to lay back, take a deep breath
and soak in the sweet sensations of love shared
with a man, a boy and a girl.
It's time now

to calmly and quietly

rest in that love.

Sarah Carlson

July 5, 2017