With You and Without You

Barry Carlson and Sophie at Campsite 15 on Students Island, Mooselookmeguntic Lake, Maine

, 2001

I always miss my husband, Barry, the most on New Year's Eve. I've written about it many times and it happened again this evening. It feels really good, to be honest. Odd, but good. And something I will continue to adjust to as my life goes on...

With You and Without You

Dear, dear Barry,
Another New Year’s Eve without you.
There are so many
 with you
to remember and cherish as those
 without you
continue to grow.
I know you know how grateful I am
for the times I shared
with you.
But, you are gone,
have been for quite some time,
and I’ve had to work hard
 to adjust to life
 without you.
I know your love remains
a part of my life now.
Recently, though, for the first time
I realized that I can actually be whole
without you.
It seems so simple when I say it aloud,
but actually it has been quite complex
to get to this point.
I was just a kid when we met
and our togetherness
became a cornerstone for me.
I remain grateful for that.
I always will.
But, the time has come for me
to live more fully into my life
without you.
I carry all that we were,
that we had,
tenderly within.
I know your presence and support
will show every
now and again

in sweet and subtle ways.
I’m strong and able,
open and hopeful,
excited about further recovery.
I’m ready to move forward
with you and without you
in a completely singular way.

With so much love,

Sarah

December 31, 2018

Fully Born

Fully Born

I’m realizing that which was
fully borne by me,
that which should never have been
mine to convey,
has largely been set down for good.
For the good of me, that is.
It was not wrong of me to
lug it for so long.
I simply didn’t know any better.
At times anger wends its way into my being
as I more clearly understand the
contents of the satchel
that weighed me down for so long.
Anger for the imposition,
the false sense of ownership,
the absurdity of it all.
But, in the setting down,
the letting go,
there’s a distinct feeling of 

hmmm…
I think it’s best expressed
as re-birth.
Or, more clearly, a sense of being
fully born.
All the wonderful bits and pieces
that have long been part of me
are adjusting to being 

without the weight
of that old, worn satchel.
I feel grateful that

 I had the strength to carry it,
found my way to safely 

examining its contents,
and now have the opportunity
to drop in
to the newness of being
fully born.

Sarah Carlson

December 31, 2018

To Be Sure

The Cascades -Sandy River Plantation, ME
Photo by Sheryl Farnum

To Be Sure

Slate - the finest grained metamorphic rock.
It foliates in planes perpendicular to the direction of compression.

Sometimes there is a hollowness to healing,
like some sort of scouring out.
But, at the same time a fullness is present,
or maybe a filling is more accurate.
This emptiness can be fleeting,
or last a while.
No right or wrong –
it happens as you need it to be.
It’s as if you become a blank slate,
yet the processes and layers that
formed, fused, cracked,
shifted along the way are still there,
part of your bedrock.
You can access their
energy and history anew,
revisit the wide range
of stories in the layers.
Sometimes a fresh plane emerges,
taking you completely by surprise.
For me it was a fervent missing
of my soulmate as the holidays approach,
followed by the sudden understanding
that I can, in fact,
be whole without him here.
His physical presence, I mean.
Just 18 when our lives merged,
I did not realize how much
I defined my self by our union.
No wonder the aftermath of his death
has taken so long to decipher.
Now I can even more deeply feel
how our time in tandem is
gracefully embedded in my layers
and that my substratum
has long been strong.
My slate is actually quite full,
yet has space for future foliation.
Understandable grief
 accompanied by expanding faith.
A Happy Solstice,
to be sure.

Sarah Carlson

December 21, 2018

Yesteryear

My family in front of a Sugarloaf trail map - circa 1963

Yesteryear

One wing strong,
the other still healing,
she continues to stretch into
her very own self.
She must have borne the load
on that side –
heaving, sorting, shifting,
trying with all her might.
Plenty has been set down,
but her body
harbored memories
deep within.
She understands now that
the releasing and relearning
 take time
and she must be patient.
Her highly trained, analytical side,
so attuned to looking for answers,
needs time to relax
into all
being well.
She savors the moments when her
poetic essence shines through,
treasures the recognition that it
has been there all along.
As bitter, stale pains heal
memories of good times surface.
She pauses in stillness,
sits by the side of her serene lake,
feels even more tension unwind.
A little girl smile spreads
across her wholesome face.
Yesteryear contained both
heartache and happiness.
As sourness recedes,
she remembers to taste
the sweetness, too.

Sarah Carlson

December 18, 2018

Wintry Twilight

Wintry Twilight

Crisp air, crunchy snow, waning light,
solstice looming.
I rush to fit in a quick ski
after an energizing,
yet tiring day.
Tension slips away as
my skis glide on the grooming.
The familiar fullness
that comes
in the company of trees
and sky
and self locomotion
feels welcome.
I stop for a moment to
breathe it all in,
gazing up
 to a crescent moon
drifting above
bare branches
as they tickle
the wintry twilight sky.
Gratefully
 I slide
 into the evening.

Sarah Carlson

December 11, 2018

Above the Fray

Above the Fray

Ah… sweet freedom.
Riding thermals on strengthening wings
with time and space to
observe, glean, release.
Circling for the sheer joy
of making a turn,
feeling forces at play,
allowing winds of change
to work their magic.
Pristine images of nature-speak
provide opportunity for
twisting the lens as needed.
Vibrant body, calm mind, settled heart
meld together as
 residual tension wisps away.
She realizes she may never
know the whole story.
And yet,
she rises –
 clearly, freely, uniquely
above the fray,
secure in the knowledge that
whatever the origin
it was theirs,
not hers.
She knows that life will
contain new challenges
along the way.
But, whatever caused
that particular darkness
 is over.
She can
 and will
let it
be so.

Sarah Carlson

December 4, 2018

Serene Lake Within

Serene Lake Within

Along the shores of a placid lake,
next to a lovely little cabin,
the world as she knew it erupted
in both scary sights
 and vicious sounds.
Her tender, 7 year old essence
was deeply impacted in those moments.
She remembers the event,
how she and her brother retreated
as far away as they could.
She doesn’t remember
any words between them,
just the shared energy of
fear, shock, and wonder –
not the good kind.
She remembers being glad he was there,
now wishes he were still here
so they could recover together.
She doesn’t remember
 how the quarrel began,
or any talking to process it after.
She does remember
 skirmishes that led up to it,
and feeling defeated
 in her multiple attempts
at making things right
in the years that followed.
Her adult mind drifts
 to another tranquil lake where
 her life was again altered,
this time by Love.
In the here and now,
she is profoundly grateful for
the tenderness of that Love,
her ongoing insights from
rising above the fray,
and her growing sense of unity
with the Divine. 
She feels an inner stillness,

 her very own serene lake within,
free from the confusing undercurrents
of that long ago battle
and its turbulent aftermath.

Sarah Carlson

December 1, 2018