With You and Without You

Barry Carlson and Sophie at Campsite 15 on Students Island, Mooselookmeguntic Lake, Maine

, 2001

I always miss my husband, Barry, the most on New Year's Eve. I've written about it many times and it happened again this evening. It feels really good, to be honest. Odd, but good. And something I will continue to adjust to as my life goes on...

With You and Without You

Dear, dear Barry,
Another New Year’s Eve without you.
There are so many
 with you
to remember and cherish as those
 without you
continue to grow.
I know you know how grateful I am
for the times I shared
with you.
But, you are gone,
have been for quite some time,
and I’ve had to work hard
 to adjust to life
 without you.
I know your love remains
a part of my life now.
Recently, though, for the first time
I realized that I can actually be whole
without you.
It seems so simple when I say it aloud,
but actually it has been quite complex
to get to this point.
I was just a kid when we met
and our togetherness
became a cornerstone for me.
I remain grateful for that.
I always will.
But, the time has come for me
to live more fully into my life
without you.
I carry all that we were,
that we had,
tenderly within.
I know your presence and support
will show every
now and again

in sweet and subtle ways.
I’m strong and able,
open and hopeful,
excited about further recovery.
I’m ready to move forward
with you and without you
in a completely singular way.

With so much love,

Sarah

December 31, 2018