I Am Worthy of Love

My first spiral. Drawn at Kripalu while participating in a Creative Writing Sampler with Heather Sellers

I've been cleaning house lately - literally and metaphorically. Barry was a very sentimental, and somewhat random, guy. He kept things in various envelopes and boxes in no particular order, so opening one is like going on a sort of magical mystery tour. I have had many sweet, tender, and validating discoveries.
Along the way we faced our share of difficult times, but what stands out as I reflect is family togetherness and fun. All through the years in this house there has been a foundation of love. The unconditional kind that was there from the very beginning of our relationship.

Here's an excerpt from a journal I found in one of the boxes. I was 20 and we had known each other for about 2 years:
Sept. 12. 1977
Barry has taught me so much. He helped me find love in a new way and has shown me how to express it. He has helped me realize that I am just as good as the next guy - in other words he has given me some self-confidence, something I truly need. I love Barry in a way that I never thought I could feel for another person. He is such a wonderful man and I am glad we are sharing our lives. I hope we find the life we want and that some day we can share that life with little ones. Barry has such a wonderful quality of gentleness and kindness. It would be a shame not to pass that on.

 As I've been cleaning, both within and without, I am once again awed by the layers, the twists and turns that this life presents. And by how much learning there is to each and every experience. Though this has been hard work and I've shed many tears, I'm so glad that I've been able to follow the meanders of my heart as I heal from the difficult times, remember the joyful ones, and tap more deeply into the wonders of unconditional love.

  I Am Worthy of Love

Though there was chaos and confusion
in my homespace,
I know Love,
I can Love,
I am worthy of Love.

I was deeply unsure as
I tried to be good,
to be right,
to not make a mistake.
It took so much energy.
 I thought that when things
went wrong it was somehow my fault
and I needed to fix the damage,
no matter how it affected me.
I came last.
When he fell into my life we were
sad, sore and broken both.
But we let each other into
our soul places,
knowing it was right.
  Unconditional love for each other,
and later
for our little ones.
The dark place that housed the
chaos and confusion opened
all the way up
when he died.
I knew to dust off the contents,
examine the pieces,
and am learning to let go.
The Light of Love continues
to illuminate that which I
need to understand
as I become ready.
 I feel grateful and hopeful,
peaceful and strong.

Though there was chaos and confusion
in my homespace,
I know Love,
I can Love,
I am worthy of Love.

Sarah Carlson

August 28, 2016