Push Away
Push away, push away,
powerful arms hold me at bay.
Then - come in, give me advice,
help me know how to be.
I tried so hard to do what was asked,
my young mind trained to be adept
at searching for answers
that were not mine to find.
Yet, even when I did,
the push-away happened
again and again.
My being became used to
this pull and this push,
mostly the push.
Then he came along,
gently invited me all the way in.
With great patience and care
he let me know that I was welcome
just as I was,
that his arms were loving and safe.
It felt so good to belong.
Through the struggles that life
inevitably contains,
our union was strong and sure.
When he died it made sense
that I felt lost and undone.
Now, all these years later,
one of the many things
I recognize is that
my early experiences
had me believing
that God was pushing me away, too.
That was real for me,
and yet not true.
Those fierce arms
of rejection and disapproval
have lost most of their power.
I can appreciate my actual foundation,
relish the knowledge
that it’s been there all along.
As imposed falseness crumbles away,
I carefully, steadily
allow myself to believe
that God’s arms are loving and safe, too.
Push away, push away,
powerful arms hold me at bay.
Then - come in, give me advice,
help me know how to be.
I tried so hard to do what was asked,
my young mind trained to be adept
at searching for answers
that were not mine to find.
Yet, even when I did,
the push-away happened
again and again.
My being became used to
this pull and this push,
mostly the push.
Then he came along,
gently invited me all the way in.
With great patience and care
he let me know that I was welcome
just as I was,
that his arms were loving and safe.
It felt so good to belong.
Through the struggles that life
inevitably contains,
our union was strong and sure.
When he died it made sense
that I felt lost and undone.
Now, all these years later,
one of the many things
I recognize is that
my early experiences
had me believing
that God was pushing me away, too.
That was real for me,
and yet not true.
Those fierce arms
of rejection and disapproval
have lost most of their power.
I can appreciate my actual foundation,
relish the knowledge
that it’s been there all along.
As imposed falseness crumbles away,
I carefully, steadily
allow myself to believe
that God’s arms are loving and safe, too.
Sarah Carlson
November 23, 2017
Thanksgiving
November 23, 2017
Thanksgiving
I'm so sorry you experienced this devastating "push away" at such an early age, Sarah. However, I keep thinking that your childhood, your resilience, your on-going relationship with Barry, and now your poetic eloquence make you one of the most compassionate people I have ever known. And what a teacher you are!!! --A true master of communication, no matter what the circumstances.
ReplyDeletePerfectly said Karen!
DeleteI so agree with it all.
Thank you for sharing this Sarah!