Push Away, Too

Push Away, Too

Hmmm, my last poem
has me pondering deeply.
I have to be honest and say that,
since Barry died,
 I have often felt pushed away
by people in my life.
That’s been real for me.
It hurts when it happens.
It’s been confusing, too,
because I know I invite others in,
want to genuinely connect,
extend loving compassion
into the world.
I realize that not every relationship
has to be deep.
I’m fine with that,
but I don’t understand why
I so often feel like I’ve been let in,
and then get pushed away.
Is it because of my early training
that I interpret it that way?
Do I unintentionally tap things
in people that they don’t
want to allow?
Because I developed a sturdy exterior,
have an intrepid nature,
do I sometimes push away, too?
Am I simply supposed to be
primarily exploring on my own?
I think maybe it’s a combination
of all of that and more.
I’m okay with not quite knowing,
feel comfortable that I don’t
have all the answers.
I do know that I will continue to
experience these questions,
trusting that clarity will come.

Sarah Carlson

November 24, 2017