Push Away, Too

Push Away, Too

Hmmm, my last poem
has me pondering deeply.
I have to be honest and say that,
since Barry died,
 I have often felt pushed away
by people in my life.
That’s been real for me.
It hurts when it happens.
It’s been confusing, too,
because I know I invite others in,
want to genuinely connect,
extend loving compassion
into the world.
I realize that not every relationship
has to be deep.
I’m fine with that,
but I don’t understand why
I so often feel like I’ve been let in,
and then get pushed away.
Is it because of my early training
that I interpret it that way?
Do I unintentionally tap things
in people that they don’t
want to allow?
Because I developed a sturdy exterior,
have an intrepid nature,
do I sometimes push away, too?
Am I simply supposed to be
primarily exploring on my own?
I think maybe it’s a combination
of all of that and more.
I’m okay with not quite knowing,
feel comfortable that I don’t
have all the answers.
I do know that I will continue to
experience these questions,
trusting that clarity will come.

Sarah Carlson

November 24, 2017

Another conversation

These two poems are another 'conversation' that I had with Barry. The first came before the two poems in the previous post and his 'answer' came after them.

I Can Feel You

As the years slip by it becomes
harder to see your face,
hear your voice.
But I can feel you.
Traveling deeper into
the workings of me
I continue to make fresh discoveries.
One is that my most lucid memories of you
are all the subtle, sublime
nuances of our connectedness.
In experiencing the ups and downs
of marriage, raising children,
living,
our bond remained strong and steady,
anchoring us to each other.
I feel it when I slow down
and stay with the softness
of those sensations.
I feel it when I’m with our
children, now grown.
In their humor and empathy,
in their busy minds and caring hearts,
in their energy and their beings.
I feel it as I learn to love, value and
cherish my self
on my own.
I miss you so very much,
but I know you are still there, here,
because I can feel you.

Sarah Carlson

July 31, 2009

I Can Feel You, Too

Sweet, brave, lovely Sarah –
I can feel you, too.
I can feel your despair as you fully grieve
the many losses in your life,
your angst as you finally
know you must disengage,
your loneliness as you forge
ahead in your newness.
But there’s so much more.
I can feel your contentment as you watch our
children widen into their own lives.
I can feel your depth of character as you
gently spread compassion to those
who do share your life now,
I can feel your genuine, rightful wisdom that
emanates from your delightfully
expanding heart.
I can feel the quivering, radiant ebullience that
courses through you during
the times when you are able to let your self flow.
Although I can not be in the physicality
of your life now, your energy
and mine are still linked
in whatever ways you need them to be.
You must trust that and, as you make
room in your heart, know
it is safe and right to
experience, to feel new joys.
Yes, my love,
I can feel you, too.
It’s a glorious feeling
because you are a brilliant being,
so go ahead and shine.

Sarah Carlson

August 20, 2009