Waves of Fear

Waves of Fear

I don’t really identify with being a fearful person,
and yet I’m feeling waves of fear.
There’s a craving within
to realize that I’m safe.
I’m so very ready for these
waves to fully wash away.
I’m sitting here in my sweet little home,
cradled in memories
of sharing love and life with my soulmate,
 holding and raising our sweet babies,
 finding my way to becoming a teacher.
I can recognize that the body-wracking cries of yesterday
 have mostly subsided,
but still feel unheralded emotions stirring
 as muscles softly twitch, milder tears trickle,
breath seems shallow.
Like the rain cascading outside these windows,
the gentle breeze that blows,
I guess it just needs to happen.
I don’t have to run and hide,
or feel threatened.
I still feel the wish to be held or
at least to hear someone say the words,
“You’re okay, Sarah.
It’s right to let the those waves of fear
roll out and away.
It’s true, you’re safe.”
I’m hopeful this desire
will fade away over time,
or that I will be able to
comfort that tender spot within
for my self.
I don’t think I care anymore
to know exactly
where they originate,
 I’m just trying to believe
 that waves of fear
 simply do not have a place
 in my life anymore.

Sarah Carlson

June 28, 2018

Darkening Before the Light

Darkening Before the Light

The whole story
needs to be told.
Before the lightening,
perhaps simultaneous to it being born,
there was/is a sort of darkening.
Tears seep and surge,
seeming to surface
 from every part of the body.
Reminiscent of a full on baby cry
when the only remedy is to be
cuddled, comforted,
with tears accepted, not judged.
Experienced as an adult,
 this is accompanied
by multi-faceted grief.
Safe and right to feel,
the eventual effects
are the soothing of a tender heart,
the settling of a puzzled mind,
the mending of a wounded spirit.
A darkening before the light
that has the power to
heal the deep, dark places
that simply must be honored.
It’s the truth, the full narrative,
 that leads to
a shift from threat to trust,
providing the opportunity
to genuinely lighten up.

Sarah Carlson

June 27, 2018

Lighten Up

Lighten Up

Eyes, heart,
mind, cells
open wider and wider.
Flexible, changing
frontier becomes
 more and more 
true and trustworthy.
Sinking and settling
into a precious body,
beautiful just as it is
in the here and now.
Antiquated perceptions
that one must strive to receive love,
must somehow earn the right to heal
release, steadily melt away.
Moments of, “OH!”, blips of freedom
expand and saturate.
Sensations of revival
that feel right and good,
but will take time
 to more fully incorporate.
Intrepid, courageous exploration
has paved the way
to understand that the pressure to ‘earn’
came from a deep and barricaded place.
But the freedom, the lightening,
comes from an even deeper,
more expansive
place of knowing –
where the light shines through,
always has.
It most definitely is time to
allow the canards to crumble,
honor the hues of healing,
and lovingly
lighten up.

Sarah Carlson

June 26, 2018

Lonely, Yet Not

Lonely, Yet Not

I am supposed to feel loneliness right now.
I know this because within this feeling
I am more profoundly discovering me,
my veritable, essential self.
The one who has been there all along,
but had to struggle to exist within
confusing, imposed falseness.
She is lovely and strong,
caring and humble,
creative and intelligent,
graceful and giving.
I love her
and know she is
not really alone.
Tears are flowing from
deep in my soul.
I don’t necessarily have words
to accompany them,
but they do need to flow.
So I let them
and, in tandem,
feel the elation
of settling into the exquisite
recesses of my being.
I am solo right now
with summer here and
no students who need me,
offspring grown
with lives of their own,
soulmate’s physical presence gone.
It’s okay,
I need this.
I’ve worked hard
to land here
in this very spot.
It’s a bit stormy
but I’ve got it.
I’m lonely,
yet not.

Sarah Carlson

June 24, 2018

Full Light

Flowers given to me by one of my fourth graders

Full Light

Sunbeams reach and stretch,

 envelop all beings below,
warm and enlighten
those who choose to notice

and let it all in,
let it all out.
Darker days, mere memories
of the cold winter season,
have beauty and substance
all their own.
Day by day the light has grown
to reach the vibrancy
of the Solstice.
Fullness without,
fullness within.
Full Light.

Sarah Carlson

June 21, 2018

No Longer a Threat

This African violet has been through a lot. Barry gave it to me on February 14, 2002 - our last Valentine's Day. We didn't really have any sort of regular way to celebrate that particular holiday, but for some reason that year he decided to give me this gift.
It has weathered a house renovation during which it was shoved in a corner of an upstairs bedroom that wasn't particularly warm, and being watered very sporadically during that time. It has been tipped over on a few occasions - once after I had it re-potted at the store where he bought it because I thought it was dying, and once when I took it to someone's house to be part of an extremely healing experience - again on the way home. And yet it thrives.

No Longer a Threat

A hole in the screen,
a break in the skin,
a door left open.
A worry that something will
infiltrate, infect, fester.
A constant sense of jeopardy
rooted in origins
both understood and not.
This powerful effect of the wound
is losing its potency
as boundaries are determined
and continue to fortify
in such a way as to allow
benevolent permeability.
All the while the true taproot
grows stronger
with life-giving liquids circulating
 more and more freely.
Mind settling,
heart nurturing,
 soul fostering –
dynamic and sure
they surge and swirl,
providing a fullness
that is at the same time
 fresh and familiar.
Truth spirals,
grace expands,
love swells,
and there simply is
no longer a threat.

Sarah Carlson

June 19, 2018

Mourning Dew

Mourning Dew

Expanding essence,
settling spirit,
vibrating vitality –
a trilogy of wellness.
Even with these truths aboard,
sadness sometimes
seeps to the surface,
quietly gathers
for acknowledgment.
For it is also true,
 real, and right.
Like morning dew on
leaves and grasses,
stale sorrows bead and adhere
until a being notices,
allows them to vaporize
or entwine with
 restoration and revival.
Mourning dew,
warmed by
mourning light.
A gentle,
beneficial aspect
of the continued
honoring of the
veracity of grief.

Sarah Carlson

June 8, 2018

Unique and Yet the Same

Photo by Rami Haddad - Sunset Peak on Lantau Island, Hong Kong

Unique and Yet the Same

Perched upon rocks left askew by
earthly forces of bygone days –
solitary and together, both.
Awestruck, they widen their gazes,
enabling splendor and accomplishment
to saturate.
Breathing in, they watch the ocean
loosen its grip as
the once pervasive fog rises,
revealing treasured islands below.
They pause in wonder,
allowing gratitude to
permeate their beings
before they put feet to ground
and move on.
They follow the meandering trail
to the village far below,
ready for a time of
rest and rejuvenation
as new adventures await.
Sinewy singing muscles,
tranquil trusting minds,
beautiful beating hearts.
Unique and yet the same.

Sarah Carlson

June 5, 2018