My heart knows

Okay, so as I occasionally re-read some of what I've posted it again reminds me what a non-linear process grieving truly is - with SO many meanders. I sometimes wonder if people who read this might be thinking - didn't she already go there, say that? But, in truth, sometimes when I wrote a poem I would have the same feeling and then realize that it was deeper, different and represented forward momentum. I was in a new place, with more to go. In some ways it will always be that way, though much more gentle and peaceful. I do believe that life is about being where you are while remaining open to fresh ways to think, to feel, and to be.

I went to a workshop at the Waterville Hospice this past Monday. It was in the same room where, five years earlier I had been in a widow's group. It had taken me 3 1/2 years to actually get to that point - yes, in some ways I'm a late bloomer! But as I sat there and listened to people say what had brought them to the workshop I had this wonderful feeling that was a combination of accomplishment, peace and joy. It was just lovely to have that wash over me there it that very spot where I had come at the beginning of my process and that had been one of few places I learned it was okay to use my voice, speak my truth, let the emotions come... and go.

I was having trouble deciding what to post this time and I found a series of three poems that I wrote all in one day! I remember that day as one in which I just cried and cried and cried. I had finally learned that it actually was okay to do so and I happened to have the time and the space to just let the tears come. Interestingly this was about a week after I wrote After the Storm and I guess that at that time my 'flowing' involved the purging of lots of varied emotion.

I was going to skip these poems - they were written before the poems in my previous post, but now they seem important. Perhaps it's because of the experience I had last Monday. Remembering back to how much physical pain I felt as I held on so tightly to my grief and how very crucial the knowledge I have gained from polarity and hypnotherapy experiences, along with the work I did at the Hospice House, has been to my being able to feel that sensation I described above. Sometimes I think I should skip pieces that are not as hopeful maybe, but well... it's all important. But as I revisited these to get them ready to post I truly can feel how far I have come. I did have to let Barry go all the way before I could have the sense of merging and of carrying all that we were together in my heart as I continually move forward into newness.

Molten Core

It all seems to be coming today,
whatever is left of the deep pain in my core.
I felt it physically during polarity two days ago.
From my belly through to my lower back,
from my heart to my shoulder blades,
hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder.
My molten core-
magma ready to erupt.
Although it has lessened in intensity
over the past year
it amazed me to realize how deep
and valid it still is.
And so today the tears have come.
I can’t seem to stem the flow,
don’t really even want to.
I just want it out of me,
want to set it all down for good.
The tears of this deep pain are very different,
coming in waves of varied strength,
they flow down my face like lava from a volcano.
At times I moan and wail and feel so alone.
A once stoic mountain in the distance,
now coming alive with release.
My heart knows what I need today.
I need to cry,
to let it all out and not judge.
My molten core will not be denied
any longer.

Sarah Carlson

November 11, 2007

My Grip

I think these tears of deep pain
are finally able to come
because I let Barry go.
I pried my hands off and
released my grip on both the good
and the bad of what was.
I had to let go all the way
in order to move on,
to recognize that it is no longer
as it was,
and it will never be.
But I’m not sure I know
what to grab onto now.
I’m right here still,
but I don’t quite know
where I am.
Independent for the first time
I don’t know if I know
how to be.
My mind is full of questions
and confusion.
My hands are itching
to find a handhold
as I feel suspended between
what was and what will be.

Sarah Carlson

November 11, 2007

My Heart Knows

My heart has the answers
to the questions of my mind.
Even when it was broken
it knew how to keep going.
It’s my heart that feels
the connections
the universe provides,
takes them in without question
or judgment.
Messages from
creatures of the wild,
from the wind, water and sky.
My heart takes in love from
people who appreciate
the me that I am.
In those moments I get it, feel it,
know that I belong.
Now that my heart is newly open
it’s my head that makes me
feel so vulnerable
as old patterns persist.
But my heart knows I deserve
to be cradled and loved,
that it’s okay to trust my inner rhythm
and join in the dance,
knows my head is like any other
head in the world –
home to a brain filled with
infinite ideas and possibilities.
My head gets in my way still,
but my heart knows the way,
has always known.
I’m weary of the battle
between the two.
My heart knows
what to grab hold of now,
knows where I am,
knows how to be.
I just need to get my head to listen
because my heart does know.

Sarah Carlson

November 11, 2007