In the Depths of You

I took this picture on July 1, 2020. I remember that because it was the day after what would have been my 41st wedding anniversary. It was also the day after my childhood home was listed for sale.

Taken during a morning swim when the sky opened up, I remember that I got the giggles because the up-drops tickled my nose. I also felt a sense of connection, which I often get when I'm near or in water. Delight, peace, oneness, and gratitude all at once.

Later that day I crashed on that slippery bridge while mountain biking and, though definitely improving, I'm still recovering. I think back to that day often as it contained so much and, truly, the time on the bridge and all I've learned from it has been life changing... including making the very difficult decision to retire from teaching.

I heard two important ideas this week as part of my healing. One came from my osteopath and the other from my spiritual director. They are the idea of inherent Divinity and the fact that some of my early childhood experiences, especially in church, were like concussions to my soul. And, my recent concussion is teaching me that it truly does take time to heal and that rest is important. I'm so used to forging ahead. Though I'm still adjusting, it does feel good to have the time to rest.

This piece is from me to me. Good ol' Coach Carlson kicking in. But, maybe readers will find their own coaching within the message.

In the Depths of You

You’re no stranger to grief.
Widowed at 45,
you’ve slowly adjusted to that shock
 with both grit and grace.
Maybe you wish you’d done a few things differently
after he died,
but that’s because you now have the wisdom
that comes with being 63
and from exploring your inner landscape,
courage, vigor, hope
ever present.
You thought you had mourned the loss
of your only brother so very long ago
and your father after that.
You understand the reasons
why there’s more to do
because now you’ve lost
your intrepid, complex mother, too.
And you’ve cleaned out the house
where so very much happened,
found evidence of joys and sorrows,
confusion and clarity,
separateness and connection
from each phase of your childhood.
And then, of course,
there’s the fact that you reluctantly
retired from a vocation that you love,
one that kept you grounded
through so very much.
So when they come,
those tears that burble and trickle,
or rush and gush,
or take your breath away
 just before they erupt
from your depths,
it’s okay.
Sit with them,
learn from them,
let them soothe and soften
as body and soul revive.
There’s nothing wrong
in admitting to fatigue.
Allow yourself to rest, renew, mend.
You will keep finding what fits your now
as you continue to twist the lens,

recognize and embrace
the Divinity that also resides
in the depths of you.

Sarah Carlson

August 2, 2020