This vessel that is me

I wrote this recently after a wonderful dream that included a visit from Barry. He didn't say anything, just seemed to be checking in and sending me love.

Through this process I learned that, more than accepting a loss, you have to open your arms and take it into your being. It becomes part of who you are, but only part. What started as a totally out of control sense of brokenness, for me, turned into an opportunity to learn and grow and expand - a true path of self-discovery that continues.

I still have confusion and uncertainty sometimes, but as I've said before that sense of not knowing usually leads to new understanding. Now I'm working on learning to read the winds and navigate with gratitude, awareness, and love.

This Vessel that is Me

Sliding down a slippery slope,
seemingly out of control – again.
Old patterns pull at me
like a riptide.
But, I simply fill my lungs, flex my muscles
and allow my soul to expand.
Slowly I make the turn
and work my way back up the incline.
He’s there with that familiar, approving,
loving smile -
quietly checking in to be sure
I understand.
I have control of my vehicle now.
I can park wherever I’d like
and go where I want to go
safe in the knowledge that
in the moments of each day
I am at the helm of
this vessel that is me.

Sarah Carlson

April 7, 2011

My dance

This spot, this tree, this river have been such an inspiration to me over the years. I'm grateful for all we experienced as a family in our lovely 'backyard' - through the years and in the days just before Barry died. I also have such a deep sense of gratitude for all the realizations that seeped into my being here and in so many other beautiful spots in the natural world.

My Dance

Buoyed by the waters that hold my body afloat,
varied currents twist and turn
above and below,
carry things both understood
and not -
a flowing that doesn’t require knowing.
I lay back and relax into the sensations
of being right here, right now.
Energies converge to create
a newness
that actually is very old,
My inner rhythms hum throughout
my core with a freedom and openness
that feels good and right.
My caring heart beats, my keen mind rests,
my gentle soul flows
as I experience
the excitement of deeply trusting
all that has come from journeying
through a hub of darkness that,
once exposed and explored,
has enhanced my light.
Old fears replaced by new facets of love
as I continue to release my self to
dance my very own dance
without reservation.
Nothing to hide, no reason to hold back,
simply time to move to the
rhythms that are mine and feel the
delights of dancing
my very own dance.

Sarah Carlson

August 26, 2010

Mountain dance

Mountain Dance

One foot in front of the other,
each of us on the path in our own way,
dancing our own dance
with the mountain.
Over rocks and roots,
along the roaring brook,
past rockfalls and a sheltered turquoise pond,
across bridges made by helpful hands.
Then - out of the woods to the pond that is
caressed by the mountain itself.
Cloud covered splendor,
rock face looking down upon us as
we wonder– will it clear?
Howling nighttime winds a
mountain symphony as we rest,
safe in our deluxe lean-to.
Random breezes curl into our space
and nuzzle our faces with the cool, fresh air.
Awakening to dappled moonlight
illuminating the forest floor,
our dream of a summit attempt through
the wee hours of the morning suddenly
becomes possible.
Again we put one foot in front of the other
and lumber over the rocky way
by the light of the moon
and the headlamps we adorn.
Through the darkness we patiently trek
to the rockslide – our next challenge.
Muscles engaged, spirits willing, minds set,
we move our bodies over the many daunting obstacles
to the crest of the saddle.
Greeted by the full moon we thought had set,
we turn our heads to the east and behold the
brightening colors of the dawn.
Our souls fill with gratitude, awe,
togetherness and so many other
sensations/emotions that are beyond words.
We pause to soak it all in and then head up the
wide open trail that leads us along the saddle
toward our intended destination.
We are accompanied by the still full moon,
the early morning sun surrounded by the multi-colored
sky that heralds the new day,
and the shadows of the great mountain in the
valley below with just a hint of light
on a few of the crests below us.
A brisk wind makes the way even more taxing
but allows us to further appreciate
the energy and magnitude of our environs.
We weave our way to the peak,
barely able to stand as the vigorous winds
whirl and twirl around us.
We are again awash
in the emotion and elation of
our accomplishment.
Each having danced our own individual
mountain dance
we are standing at the top of our state -
Baxter Peak at 5:55 AM on
Tuesday, July 27, 2010.
Strong and vibrant
we are fully in the moment of
being there- together.

For Rob, Katharina, and Molly

by Sarah Carlson - August 4, 2010

Soul dance

Soul Dance

It is time for me to liberate my soul to dance.
At times I have surged to
my inner rhythm,
connected to my cadence,
and allowed my self
to groove to my very own beat.
When that happens I feel right and true and real.
I am vital and I soar.
I turned and faced the unattended sorrows of my life.
I examined the pieces of my aching, broken heart
and diligently assembled them anew.
I trusted the process and meandered
my way to a genuine rebirth.
I was deeply injured, but I have healed.
Old patterns still surface on occasion and catch me unaware,
but if I remember to access the newness - I recognize what to do.
I know I am strong and that it is safe to trust,
that my personal power is mine,
that I am valid and goodness flows
around and through my being,
that I am supported both within and without.
I gaze in the mirror and behold eyes that know,
a face that yearns to be free to let my truth show.
It is time for my soul to dance to the unique pulse of my life,
for me to be wholly available in this world and fully present
in this body which is my home.
Only I can let that happen with the purity I deserve.
Only I can channel the energy generated by all the work
I have done to mend my heart, my mind, my spirit.
I understand now that it is only me that blocks me.
Unfettered and unencumbered,
it is essential that I now empower
my sweet, singular soul to dance.

Sarah Carlson

June 22, 2010

On the wings of love

In memory of Barry F. Carlson - May 23, 1942 to May 29, 2002. Posted with gratitude, joy, love... and anticipation.

On the Wings of Love

He left me and went to
another place,
but his physical absence has
taken on a presence within me.
That presence is love.
I felt it as a force on the very
day of his passing,
a palpable sensation that washed over
me before I even knew he was gone.
It had a potency that I drew from
in the early days,
but it became somewhat tenuous as
I forged my way through the density
of a core of sorrow.
As I slowly and carefully emerge
I am rediscovering that force
with a clear sense of revival.
The love he left behind with me
combined with a newfound self-love,
provides for a free flowing energy
that continually fuels the melding together of
my pieces
This energy fills me with sweet, sublime power and
liberates me to dance a soulful dance as I
gently peel away the definitive layers,
caress my own countenance,
stretch and strengthen my self even more.
Guided by an ageless wisdom,
buoyed by the winds of my soul,
I am truly free to experience flying
on the wings of love.

Sarah Carlson

March 9, 2010

All I did was feel

What we all truly NEED to do - feel the emotions that come along in the moments and phases of our lives without judgment. For many of us, for varied and personal reasons, it is something that is not always easy. I'm grateful that I've learned to be at peace with whatever feelings come up in me and that I can be present and supportive of my self. Not that I don't cherish the people in my life who enjoy my company and with whom I can share and process - it's just that I'm happy that now I can be there/here for me as freely as I can be there for others.

All I Did Was Feel

As I forge into my newness
I am compelled to look back to honor where I have been.
I am filled with gratitude and love,
yet still there is some angst.
There are times when I can just go with my flow and I feel so easy.
Those times are becoming more and more prevalent.
As I ponder the path I have traveled,
gently turning my head to marvel at the obstacles I maneuvered
around and through,
I choose to shift my focus and drink in the depth and value of my discoveries.
Self-worth, connectedness within and without,
fear replaced by love,
and the deep realization that I truly have done nothing wrong.
All I did was feel.
The judgment that I experienced from those on the outside,
those who could not know,
who did not want to share,
who thought they knew how I should travel –
that judgment is not mine.
Only I know the magnitude of my loss,
only I can move ahead on a path
illuminated by an exhilarating combination
of virgin learnings and vintage wisdom.
Only I can decide how I feel about me
and where to go next.
I am not wrong, as all I did was feel whatever it
was I felt all along the way.
And that’s what I will continue to do.
No judgment, no worries,
just feeling my way along this radiant path
that is mine.

Sarah Carlson

February 5, 2009

Wellsprings

Wellsprings

As the wellsprings are tapped,
source of supply
and inspiration,
the dance continues
to unfold.
At times they soar -
lifting above it all,
the pieces slipping into place
for a magnetic flight that fills
the spirit with vibrancy and elation.
But then there is the need
to dip down into the watery depths
for more opportunity to
discover, explore and redefine
without judgment.
Mother and child, in unison, enfolding
each other in highest esteem as
they tap their inner rhythms
and unearth a genuine being.
They now deeply know
that it is good and right
to acknowledge what comes,
a dynamic spectrum from joy to sorrow,
and that they do have the power to
release that which no longer serves.
Inner wisdom that
frees them to capture the cadence,
feel the frolic,
and revel in their rhythms -
together .

Sarah Carlson

November 30, 2009

One rainy night

(Photo by Emma Carlson)

One Rainy Night

I made it
all the way in to my core.
It wasn’t easy,
requiring much courage and determination,
but I did it and have been rewarded with the
joy, the ecstasy of rebirth
that I carry with me each and every day.
Yet still I hurt and have been experiencing an old,
familiar confusion coupled
with feelings I can’t really identify.
I had to let my self be with that for a time,
and on this rainy night my wellsprings
demanded freedom.
So I let them come,
let them go,
let them heal,
let them flow.
I felt such power and release,
freedom and relief.
The rain poured down just outside my window
as my body purged itself of emotion
that was real and valid and didn’t need
to be labeled or understood.
As I released I also felt
goodness and purity
from deep in my root.
It was all there, dark and light entwined,
as I more fully tapped my well and my wellsprings
ebbed and flowed as they needed
without interference from my mind.
My heart simply knew it was time
and I knew to listen.
After the rainy night I stepped out under the still dark
morning sky and looked up at the stars,
visible as the storm clouds cleared.
Nature again reassured me and
I marveled anew at the
wonders of this universe that
includes me.

Sarah Carlson

October 25, 2009

Joyful birth

There is quite a story that goes along with the emergence of this poem - an experience that was a both a culmination and a commencement, and something for which I am extremely grateful. I know what this piece is about for me, but I'm going to let it stand on its own with the hope that it becomes whatever it needs to be for any individual who reads it.
Happy Mother's Day...:)

Joyful Birth

The child awaits,
suspended in a comfortable
liquid womb,
heart beating in unison
with mother’s.
Energy shifts and the time comes
to leave the watery realm and
move into newness.
Mother’s muscles pulsate with the
power of her core,
a rhythm like no other.
Driven by a knowing that comes
from both within and without,
mother and child work in
tandem to dance a dance
that is older than time.
The baby’s soft, pliable body
surges forth as the mother
harvests her labor and
releases a fresh life
into the world.
Together and separate,
a synthesis of beings,
mother and child stretch into
their bodies, reaching,
extending into an ecstasy of cells
unfolding, opening,
brimming with love.
A joyful birth that is right
and real and
richly deserved.

Sarah Carlson

August 26, 2009