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| Carrabassett Valley, Maine - the Bigelows from Sugarloaf Mountain |
Life surely is complicated. When one decides to explore the complexities of the past as I have there are so many layers and levels involved. Though at times tiring and perplexing, it's also amazing and freeing.
Yesterday I felt the love of my dad during an Osteopathic treatment. He's been gone for over 5 years now and it felt nice to experience this, to be sure. I think he would want me to share... and if not, I'm going to anyway because I get to choose...
I chose the above picture because the Carrabassett Valley was one of his favorite places as he spent many hours skiing the trails of Sugarloaf. I love the shadows, the vastness, the frozen sides of the trees as they solidly endure the weather.
There's more to the story, but I'm going to let the poem and the picture speak for themselves.
Fatherly Love
I sit on his lap as he wraps strong, safe arms
around my vibrant little body.
“I love you sweet Sarah,”
he whispers into my ear.
I feel my whole being light up.
Disdain and anger soon enter the room,
but his love envelops me in
a protective, though fragile, bubble.
Years later I run across the front lawn
and jump into those shielding arms.
He spins me round and round -
gently, but with gusto.
I giggle at first, then ask him to stop.
He does so quickly and checks to see if I am okay.
I am when we are outside,
but we go in to where jealousy and despair
pulsate and pervade.
His protection wanes as time passes
and my being becomes more and more unsure.
Eventually it’s clear that, though he means well,
he just can’t ward it off any more.
He’s become enmeshed in it
as it relentlessly attacks from multiple origins.
In fact, he’s actually complicit
as they all enable each other
in a twisted nest of dysfunction
and denial of the truth.
I move on in my life with
gentle courage and quiet strength
that lead me to find pathways to healing.
I am expanding more and more
into my fullness now,
though he’s gone.
I think I felt him today, though.
It’s been so long, but I think I sensed
his untainted fatherly love .
All the layers of yuck were peeled away
and I had just a few moments of
trusting it, allowing it, feeling
safe to be with it.
I know my father loved me,
but he just couldn’t protect me
as things were then.
Maybe, just maybe,
I can let the purity of fatherly love
embrace me now.
I sit on his lap as he wraps strong, safe arms
around my vibrant little body.
“I love you sweet Sarah,”
he whispers into my ear.
I feel my whole being light up.
Disdain and anger soon enter the room,
but his love envelops me in
a protective, though fragile, bubble.
Years later I run across the front lawn
and jump into those shielding arms.
He spins me round and round -
gently, but with gusto.
I giggle at first, then ask him to stop.
He does so quickly and checks to see if I am okay.
I am when we are outside,
but we go in to where jealousy and despair
pulsate and pervade.
His protection wanes as time passes
and my being becomes more and more unsure.
Eventually it’s clear that, though he means well,
he just can’t ward it off any more.
He’s become enmeshed in it
as it relentlessly attacks from multiple origins.
In fact, he’s actually complicit
as they all enable each other
in a twisted nest of dysfunction
and denial of the truth.
I move on in my life with
gentle courage and quiet strength
that lead me to find pathways to healing.
I am expanding more and more
into my fullness now,
though he’s gone.
I think I felt him today, though.
It’s been so long, but I think I sensed
his untainted fatherly love .
All the layers of yuck were peeled away
and I had just a few moments of
trusting it, allowing it, feeling
safe to be with it.
I know my father loved me,
but he just couldn’t protect me
as things were then.
Maybe, just maybe,
I can let the purity of fatherly love
embrace me now.
Sarah Carlson
April 18, 2017
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