My true essence

At this point in the process many things were happening and sometimes it was hard to keep up with everything. I remember a student I had once who, during a reading assessment when he was trying to retell a story, said - "Hang on a second Mrs. Carlson, I just need to catch up with myself here!" Such a wonderfully accurate statement that still makes me smile.

It was a gratifying experience to revisit this poem and others that led up to it because I can see that, although I am in a very different place now, I am still finding ways to tap the well. The difference is that, although I still deeply miss Barry in many ways, the loneliness is not consuming and I am so much more comfortable deciding what I need and how to give to my self - something we all need in our lives, for sure. I am also still becoming more comfortable not always knowing the answers and am very aware of enjoying the challenge of discovery all along the way.

My True Essence

Deeper, deeper and deeper I go.
The totality of what I’ll find
I don’t yet know.
For as I travel within
I am just beginning to discover
my true essence.
For many reasons
I’ve never really known my self,
never had much confidence in me.
So comfortable in giving to others,
I never knew how to give
to myself.
Unbearably lonely
since my soul mate died,
it is only now that I am
starting to feel content
in my own company,
to see that there can
be excitement in not knowing,
and there is energy in recovery.
There is a place for me
and it’s okay that I don’t
quite know where that is yet.
In coming home to myself
I no longer have to believe
the lies that were not mine.
I simply need to choose
to find ways to
fully tap the inner well that is
my true essence.

Sarah Carlson

August 21, 2007