Well, I've stalled somewhat as I have again been having trouble deciding what to share and when. So much happened during the time of late 2007 to summer 2009. It is actually potentially overwhelming to sort through all the poetry that emerged. But today, after discussing this with my most wonderful daughter, I realized that I need to just post what feels right to and for me. So I'm going to do that, but still with the hopes that somehow, some day, some way others will read, enjoy and benefit from the way these words came to me as I worked my way through what I know I've already described as an most amazing journey of grieving and self-discovery. As I've pondered this post I realized I'm doing another 'slow dance' - see poem below...:)
The theme of dance has emerged many times in my writings, which makes sense in retrospect. Barry was quite a dancer, which I found out early on in our relationship - as I wondered what the ruckus was in the loft of a barn that was attached to a house we were renting. It turned out to be Barry tap dancing! When I asked what he was doing he just grinned and told me about the dance lessons he and his brother had taken when they were younger. He was a very graceful man and he did really dance on the tennis court and on skis. One of his very comical quirks was that he loved to swing his tennis racket and 'practice his moves' in our driveway. This affectionately became known as 'Dad doing the tennis dance in the driveway again'!
One of the first poems with a sort of dance theme came as I processed an experience I had as I walked along a field by the Sandy River - a place I go often to walk, ponder and exercise my dog. A place that many people in our town go to do to the very same thing. My 'beloved river'...
One day, in the fall of 2007 - actually on my daughter's birthday - as I walked I suddenly had a clear sense that I was not alone. I looked across the field and saw a large bird flying over the field from the river. It was a bald eagle - flying very low, straight at me! As I described earlier I've had many bird experiences since Barry died, but this was the most powerful to date. I stopped and just watched, with a momentary thought of - hmmm, should I duck? And well, the poem tells the rest.
Eagle Dance
Bald Eagle,
so many times you’ve
come and reassured me
with your strength and your power.
Usually purposeful in your soaring ways,
today you danced a beautiful dance
seemingly just for me.
My open heart, my tranquil soul
sensed your closeness.
I turned my head and there you were
flying straight at me across the gentle field.
Once you knew you had my attention
your dance, our dance, began.
A fanciful flight
up and down,
this way and that.
Carefree and joyful you
played in the thermals,
flirted with the trees,
followed the river
and teased the breeze.
You affirmed my realizations,
helped me trust that my free flowing
and my openness are real and good
and pure and right.
Thank you Eagle.
I so enjoyed
the dance.
Bald Eagle,
so many times you’ve
come and reassured me
with your strength and your power.
Usually purposeful in your soaring ways,
today you danced a beautiful dance
seemingly just for me.
My open heart, my tranquil soul
sensed your closeness.
I turned my head and there you were
flying straight at me across the gentle field.
Once you knew you had my attention
your dance, our dance, began.
A fanciful flight
up and down,
this way and that.
Carefree and joyful you
played in the thermals,
flirted with the trees,
followed the river
and teased the breeze.
You affirmed my realizations,
helped me trust that my free flowing
and my openness are real and good
and pure and right.
Thank you Eagle.
I so enjoyed
the dance.
Sarah Carlson
September 23, 2007
A year or so later I had another compelling bald eagle experience - even more amazing than the one I wrote about above. I was driving to a polarity treatment along a road I travel often. I was feeling many things and my mind was gently wandering. I was having some thoughts that were a bit unsure and uneasy and just as I rounded a bend a large bird seemingly filled up my windshield. I was driving slowly due to the bend and so pulled over to see what exactly had come over me - literally! I opened my door to see a HUGE eagle circling above me. I could feel its energy, its power, our connection. It made several slow, methodical turns and then flew with grace and strength out over the sloping field across the road. I think of that experience each time I drive or bike along that road - and I smile when I come to 'Eagle Corner'.
The poem that came a few days after that experience is one of my all time favorites. It is one that I go back to often and marvel at how it fits my life in unique ways as I travel along into the newness. Here it is:
Slow Dance
Careful circles above the fray
provide perspective and distance,
room for reflection,
a bird’s eye view with time
to twist the lens
for further acuity.
Straining with effort,
each turn of this slow dance
makes way for more to unwind
leading to relief and new insights.
Round and round -
circles intersect and cross to
become interwoven,
creating a new scaffold to hold on to
so that it is finally safe to let go
of all that no longer serves.
Each point along the way
a turning point with
opportunity to make new choices.
Settling into a new way to be,
freeing a true self,
feeling worthy of fully experiencing the
wonders of the universe.
Knowing that further circling may
be necessary,
but by trusting the connectedness,
feeling the love,
believing in the light,
it is time
to spread strong, steady wings,
join the winds of change
and soar.
Careful circles above the fray
provide perspective and distance,
room for reflection,
a bird’s eye view with time
to twist the lens
for further acuity.
Straining with effort,
each turn of this slow dance
makes way for more to unwind
leading to relief and new insights.
Round and round -
circles intersect and cross to
become interwoven,
creating a new scaffold to hold on to
so that it is finally safe to let go
of all that no longer serves.
Each point along the way
a turning point with
opportunity to make new choices.
Settling into a new way to be,
freeing a true self,
feeling worthy of fully experiencing the
wonders of the universe.
Knowing that further circling may
be necessary,
but by trusting the connectedness,
feeling the love,
believing in the light,
it is time
to spread strong, steady wings,
join the winds of change
and soar.
Sarah Carlson
January 15, 2009
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