A better understanding of the nature of the path

I think I will just restate what I said in the title of this post and leave it at that. These two poems really illustrate the non-linear nature of a path of understanding, grieving, and healing. They show how I continued to have a better understanding of the true nature of the path I was walking, that I am still on.

Meandering

I don’t know where I am, yet I am right here.
I have come so far and still I wander.
My mind, my spirit, my soul remain restless
on days when my emotions need attention.
Rainy days are these.
And like my beloved river,
rainy days make the water flow,
creating currents and rapids,
breaking the outer banks of the riverbed.
Rising water makes the river restless,
and so it makes slight changes,
finds a better way to flow.
Yet the inner banks harbor quiet water,
stirred less by the torrent.
Calmer waters of understanding, of knowing.
On my rainy days my body fidgets,
my thoughts swirl,
my mind does somersaults
as I quiver with emotion.
I feel as though I am going in circles,
looping around to places I have already been,
and no longer want to be.
But again my river teaches me
because I really don’t go back to the
exact same place.
I am just meandering,
breaking down the banks that hold me back,
protecting the ones I need.
New learnings, deeper understandings
enable me to flow more surely
with better purpose.
And like my beloved river
I am making my way
from here to there.
It’s just that I don’t quite know where I am,
yet I am right here – meandering.

Sarah Carlson

January 6, 2007

Retracing

Forward momentum –
so very critical to my process.
As I continue to put one foot in front of the other
I sometimes find myself recognizing that I am going the wrong way.
Certain things cause me to take a worn out trail
that is fraught with traps.
I don’t panic as much as I used to
when I realize that my inner compass
has regressed to faulty directions.
Old patterns, childlike misperceptions, and deep-seeded fears
are actually what pull me down the negative path.
I simply stop and ponder for a bit,
acknowledge the accompanying feelings, validate the causes,
tell the little me that all is okay.
Then I retrace my steps back to where there is a choice
of a better way to go.
This retracing is tiring,
both emotionally and physically,
but empowering and energizing at the very same time.
Although I sometimes feel depleted by the continued struggle,
I celebrate and revel in the fact
that I now know to stop, turn and go back.
My new, truer path has peaks and valleys.
Yet the peaks are not as uneasy,
the valleys not so full of despair,
Along the way are intermittent
rocks of solidity and connection,
rivers of understanding,
updrafts on which to further test my wings.
All of it is bathed in the soft, soothing, powerful light
of self-actualization,
trust in the universe,
and love.

Sarah Carlson
February 22, 2007