This post will include three very different poems. The first one is a piece that rhymes, which has been unusual in my poetic voice. It seems to happen when, even though the topic might be deep, there was a light-heartedness that was emerging at the same time.
One of my students gave a heart shaped rock (pictured above) to me just a few days before Barry died. I found it several weeks later in my classroom and it became something to cherish, as well as leading to my being more aware of heart rocks as I walked and processed. I have found many beautiful examples and have shared them with others over the years.
The bird connection actually began with an experience with Barry along the river, again just a few days before he died. We were there one evening with our son and two Canadian geese flew in and landed in the moonlight right near the bank where we were cooking dinner over an open fire. We had a nice talk later about what a spiritual happening that was. Since he died I have had many, many experiences seeing varied birds when I most need it - beginning with an owl that went from tree to tree as I walked along a dirt road very soon after Barry's death.
Nature Speaks
Birds and heart rocks - one up and one down.
In nature, my temple, they truly abound.
What do they tell me? Why do they appear?
If I just listen, they can lessen my fear.
Two geese on the river, moonlight all around
told us of the purity of what we had found.
They reflected our passion and helped us feel peace,
but four days later his presence did cease.
And since his passing more winged ones have shown,
making it easier to forge into the unknown.
An owl in a treetop looking down to see
if all was okay, if I knew how to be.
Bald eagles and herons on foot and in flight
urging me onward in my personal fight.
Hummingbirds, wood ducks all there to say,
keep trying, keep going, you will be okay.
And heart rocks showing themselves on a beach,
just when I feel that healing is out of my reach.
A piece of the earth made out of stone,
Yet showing that in nature one is never alone.
And so my journey continues, with more to pursue.
If I remember to keep listening I’ll know what to do.
Birds and heart rocks - one up and one down.
In nature, my temple, they truly abound.
What do they tell me? Why do they appear?
If I just listen, they can lessen my fear.
Two geese on the river, moonlight all around
told us of the purity of what we had found.
They reflected our passion and helped us feel peace,
but four days later his presence did cease.
And since his passing more winged ones have shown,
making it easier to forge into the unknown.
An owl in a treetop looking down to see
if all was okay, if I knew how to be.
Bald eagles and herons on foot and in flight
urging me onward in my personal fight.
Hummingbirds, wood ducks all there to say,
keep trying, keep going, you will be okay.
And heart rocks showing themselves on a beach,
just when I feel that healing is out of my reach.
A piece of the earth made out of stone,
Yet showing that in nature one is never alone.
And so my journey continues, with more to pursue.
If I remember to keep listening I’ll know what to do.
Sarah Carlson
October 1, 2006
The next two poems are a result of truly beginning to feel my feelings. I tried so hard for so long to stuff them into a place where I could manage, but that just didn't work anymore. Through polarity, drumming, talking, writing, experiencing nature my inner world continued to change.
I think by finally allowing myself to be in 'neutral', that opened the door for the 'shift' to happen. The poem The Shift is about an experience I had when one night when I just felt so very much happening. I went to the tennis court where Barry died, felt drawn there really. And the rest is in the poem....
Neutral
Pain – I felt it and know it’s valid,
understand its causes – and its effects
on my inner being,
on my thought processes,
know that it caused
rage – I felt it and know it’s real,
understand that it is there,
that it is okay to acknowledge its presence.
It makes me restless,
but I have felt its power
and know it can fuel me.
Except right now I feel like I’m in neutral.
The engine is running, the fuel is there,
but I can’t quite get it in gear.
I am so very tired, yet energized.
I feel so uneasy, yet so sure.
Still swinging, wanting to let go, to get a new grip.
I know I am solid, yet my core is still molten.
I don’t know where I am, yet I am right here.
I don’t feel like moving, just want to rest.
Perhaps it is time to idle, to be where I am.
Let myself stay in neutral until I can harness
the energy that I once thought would do me in,
but now know can help me move solidly into me.
The Shift
What happened?
Something did.
Something good and real and deep.
I felt unbearable pain and agonizing rage
pulsating through by body, through my being.
So I walked and I thought and I questioned.
But this time I asked productive questions as I looked into me.
What to do, where to go, how to release what has been torturing me?
And then I knew, just deeply knew.
I followed an inner wisdom that I never knew I had,
went to an unlikely place to find answers, to find peace.
I laid down, my back connected to the earth that last held my soul mate’s body.
I looked up to a starlit sky and could feel my soul ebbing, flowing,
searching for a way through, like the frozen water of my beloved river.
Felt the chill night air, yet was warmed by the molten core of my rage, my pain.
And something shifted as I tried to pray, but wasn’t sure I knew how.
Something happened as I chanted the drum strokes,
Kah-Earth, Doum-Water, Tak-Fire, Cha-Air.
Something was released as I looked to without
and asked for help to ease my torment.
My being was nurtured by the natural world around me.
My burden was lightened as I somehow let go.
My soul was caressed by the love of Barry,
of our children, of my friends and family,
of myself, of the universe.
I felt the power – within and without.
A power filled with goodness, promise, hope.
A power that does fuel me as I continue to heal.
Still struggling, but sometimes filled with peace,
still affected by fear, but sometimes moving with a solid sureness.
Yes, something did happen -
a deep shift because of a connection
within and without.
Pain – I felt it and know it’s valid,
understand its causes – and its effects
on my inner being,
on my thought processes,
know that it caused
rage – I felt it and know it’s real,
understand that it is there,
that it is okay to acknowledge its presence.
It makes me restless,
but I have felt its power
and know it can fuel me.
Except right now I feel like I’m in neutral.
The engine is running, the fuel is there,
but I can’t quite get it in gear.
I am so very tired, yet energized.
I feel so uneasy, yet so sure.
Still swinging, wanting to let go, to get a new grip.
I know I am solid, yet my core is still molten.
I don’t know where I am, yet I am right here.
I don’t feel like moving, just want to rest.
Perhaps it is time to idle, to be where I am.
Let myself stay in neutral until I can harness
the energy that I once thought would do me in,
but now know can help me move solidly into me.
Sarah Carlson
November 26, 2006
The Shift
What happened?
Something did.
Something good and real and deep.
I felt unbearable pain and agonizing rage
pulsating through by body, through my being.
So I walked and I thought and I questioned.
But this time I asked productive questions as I looked into me.
What to do, where to go, how to release what has been torturing me?
And then I knew, just deeply knew.
I followed an inner wisdom that I never knew I had,
went to an unlikely place to find answers, to find peace.
I laid down, my back connected to the earth that last held my soul mate’s body.
I looked up to a starlit sky and could feel my soul ebbing, flowing,
searching for a way through, like the frozen water of my beloved river.
Felt the chill night air, yet was warmed by the molten core of my rage, my pain.
And something shifted as I tried to pray, but wasn’t sure I knew how.
Something happened as I chanted the drum strokes,
Kah-Earth, Doum-Water, Tak-Fire, Cha-Air.
Something was released as I looked to without
and asked for help to ease my torment.
My being was nurtured by the natural world around me.
My burden was lightened as I somehow let go.
My soul was caressed by the love of Barry,
of our children, of my friends and family,
of myself, of the universe.
I felt the power – within and without.
A power filled with goodness, promise, hope.
A power that does fuel me as I continue to heal.
Still struggling, but sometimes filled with peace,
still affected by fear, but sometimes moving with a solid sureness.
Yes, something did happen -
a deep shift because of a connection
within and without.
Sarah Carlson
December 3, 2006
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