Moments of joy

I've had this post in the back of my mind all day. It really made me happy to have it there and to look forward to writing it. I re-read this poem this morning and was struck by how, when I wrote it, it seemed like not much of a piece. I think that may have been because there was still so much darkness and work to do that maybe it almost seemed frivolous. But now, as I delve into sorting through these works, I more clearly feel its significance.

I do remember that during one early polarity treatment Katharina asked me to go to a place in my mind where I had felt joy. And I couldn't do it, couldn't find one. It was quite profound for me to admit that because I knew I had felt happiness and contentment and joy, especially in my years with Barry. I also knew that I am truly a fun-loving person with a great sense of humor. So my inability to find a joyful place truly helped me realize how deep the pit was that I had landed in. This piece was another way I began to say hello, as in the last post, but also how I began to shift even more so that I could access and feel other emotions, including joy.

I have been wanting to keep the prose to a minimum in these posts, but the above pictures do require a little background info - and are actually a light-hearted story. They are both representations of a day in the spring of 1981 when Barry and I were up on Saddleback Mountain with our boss who had been charged with taking some still pictures of the two of us dressed up in western motif. This was all part of a new advertising campaign that the mountain was launching as they switched everything to focus on that theme. Anyway the top picture is one I love because so many shots were taken of us just standing there. I remember saying, "C'mon, let's get some action photos here!! We need to get some air!" Barry, who was a wonderfully graceful skier, didn't much like jumping. But he also was a good sport and played along. I can still remember the little yelping noise he made as we launched off the bump! The second picture is of a wall hanging that Barry's mother made of the actual photo that was used in the campaign - yup, one of us just standing there! And the other thing that makes this just such a fond memory for me, that makes it a true moment of joy, is that we had just found out that we were expecting our first child. Yeah...:)

Moments of Joy

Walking in the rain on a foggy night,
dancing chamois shirt to chamois shirt,
hiking mountains simply for the view,
horseback riding on a country road.
Flying down a ski trail,
winter wind nipping our cheeks,
reaching the bottom
only to head back up for more.
Pounding tennis balls
back and forth for hours,
discussing technique, strategy
but hardly ever the score.
Snuggling by a campfire
with no idea of the time,
being together and knowing it was right.
Our garden wedding on a beautiful June day,
eyes locked, hands held, smiles and tears.
Holding our babies,
One son, one daughter -
marveling at every stage of their growth.
Their walking, their talking
their personalities unfolding,
so many family moments
to treasure and be retold.
And yes, that last special night
by our river.
Hanging out with our friends
the geese
under the light of the full moon,
being together and feeling so very right.
These are the moments,
that in my sadness, in my grief,
I forgot to remember
as moments of joy.

Sarah Carlson

January 7, 2007